In no particular order (how could I possibly?) my Top Ten picks for the hottest celebrities of 2009.
Follow your loins to paradise!
1. IAN SOMERHALDER - For no reason other than I recently watched Season 1 of Lost and also Rules of Attraction. Don't you just want to fuck that chiseled shit 8 ways from Sunday? He's like how Clark Kent is supposed to look, not this Tom Welling feigned intensity shit, Ian Somerhalder's face is always forced into intensity by eyebrow genetics.
2. KRISTIN KREUK - You have to love half-asian girls, I've never seen one that wasn't hot. AND she's supposed to be the fucking star of THIS! Fuckin' Chun-Li and shit. YEAHHHHH.
3. NATHAN FILLION - Yeah I know Firefly has been over for a long time, and Slither came out ages ago (both of which I still re-watch regularly) but his charmed, traditional western vibes are timeless. He doesn't seem to be packing much gun in the holster but I'm willing to pass passing judgement until I've held and felt the truth with my own two hands.
If you want a more intimate look at Nathan Fillion then click HERE
4. MEGAN FOX - I've argued about her being hot with a few people now. Bitch ain't trashy, she's just from a small-town, and us small-town girls have got to stick together, naked, in the heat. And yeah perhaps she is trying to be like a young Angelina Jolie, but what's wrong with wanting to be a bisexual hot chick who constantly likes to talk about it? Wake up and smell the sex organs people.
5. SEBASTIAN SPENCE - I had seen him in bit parts here and there, but he was never onscreen long enough for me to truly ogle. Hopefully he will be in Battlestar more often. After looking up photos of him I have to wonder if he isn't a bit gay though. But it's okay. I'm not a bigot, I'll have sex with a gay guy if he's good looking.
6. JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN - Otherwise known as The Hot Dad on Supernatural. You don't understand how excited I am to see him play The Comedian in Watchmen. I hope they show the rape scene!
7. ROBERT DOWNEY JR - I think is one of those universally agreed upon hot people. I mean I would prefer 1980s RDJ, however I can't complain about the 21st century one. Like, I know he had a drug problem and I know he used to bang strippers, so like, where the hell is the sex tape?
8. JAVIER BARDEM - Man there must be something in Mexico's water besides dysentery, because when they make a rugged man they make him right. Is he even Mexican? I dunno. Mexican, Spanish, Pig Latin, Whatever. HOTTT.
9. CRAIG HORNER - The young star of Legend of the Seeker's favourite activities include swimming, playing the guitar and kayaking - but who the fuck cares? Just take your clothes off and slay some dragons for me.
10. DOUTZEN KROES - is like the hottest fucking woman alive (well since Kelly LeBrock got old). If a sex-robot was produced to look like that, the whole fucking world would collapse into some kind of nano-technologorgy, no one would go to work, bother eating or bathing and we'd all just die.
Oh oops, I'm adding an 11th, I almost forgot my favourite.
11. ELI ROTH - Okay so maybe he doesn't have the greatest hair on the planet and he remotely resembles a Jewish Danny from NKOTB, but I like reading his Myspace blog and watching all the special features with him talking about his awesome movies. And one day, we're totally getting married. So there.
Sorry to all of those nominated that didn't make the cut this year. Maybe a fresh hairstyle, sex scandal or gimmicky blockbuster will improve your chances for 2010. Dear Sarah Michelle, my love is fickle, and you haven't delivered much recently. Although I did just IMDB you and see that you were in a romantic thriller, which I may watch later, and then recant my Top Ten (Eleven).
I know some of you expected to see The Rob Patt up there somewhere, and as soon as Twilight comes out on DVD, Pornhub's hits will go way down. But without those hazel contact lenses, dark groomed eyebrows and constant Vampire lust and suffering - he's just some regular good-looking guy ((definitely not Top Ten (Eleven) worthy)). I really feel for any fan that gets to bang him. He's not actually going to bite you, rip at your shirt, break the walls with passion as he throws you around like an animal... Aw fuck now I'm totally going to end up youtubing the kissing scene again. THIS NEEDS TO STOP.
In honour of all you've accomplished in the wake of your defeat Sarah Michelle, this is for you.
For the rest of you, watch this and cry for your lost love, the love you've never known or the love you have now but realistically won't soon.
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